..::Miss Morgan::..

He had my heart from the day we got together.

There was something different about this one.

He always knew how to make me smile and knew all the right things to say.

He still does.

I can never stay mad at him and cant imagine being without him.

His family has welcomed me with open arms.

They mean just as much to me as he does.

But as time has gone on ive started to see the real him.

always wanting to keep me close.

Wont talk to me when i talk to my guy friends.

Gets mad if i wanna go somewhere or do something without him.

constantly looks at the texts and pics on my cell phone.

It seems like he doesnt trust me.

When i have done nothing to lose his trust

and he has done things to lose mine.

He gets mad about the smallest things.

He stops talking to me.

I cry.

I cover up my tears in front of my family.

Try my best to act like nothing is wrong.

When deep down i know everything is wrong.

He yells.

I scream back.

He punches the wall.

I leave in tears.

He runs after me with apoligies.

He starts to cry.

I feel guilty.

When I have done nothing wrong.

I shouldn't feel this way but i do.

I cant stay mad at him.

We make up.

We are good for a couple days then it starts all over again.

I dont understand how things started out so great and now its come to this.

I want to leave him.

Then again I dont.

His family calls me their daughter-in-law.

but im no where near ready for that.

He wants kids in 5 years.

I want kids.....but im not going to put a time limit on it.

There is so much I want to do in my life.

I know he will be there to encourage me like he has.

He will push me to do my best.

He will support me in my decisions.

He will go out of his way to help me.

He has given me so much.

And he is by far the best boyfriend i have ever had.

yes like in every relationship there are the ups and downs.

I know mine is  a bit more rough around the edges.

But i dont know if I can let him go.

i want to be single.

But i want to be with him.

Whats keeping me from breaking it off?

Something deep down is telling me that i am jus scared.

scared to be alone

scared that no one will match up to him

scared that if i do break it off he will find someone better.

How did it get this far?

to the point where i want to leave

but feeling like i cant.

18 months ago I found the love of my life.

but now

I dont know if i want to keep him in my life

as my one and only love.

On the outside they look perfectly healthy.

You would never know they have cancer through their heart warming smiles,

their laugher,

loving hugs,

and devotion to everyone and everything they love.

It breaks my heart to know there is nothing i can do.

Why did god have to choose two of the most amazing people?

Is he testing me?

Is he testing them?

Because these two people dont deserve to go through this.

I dont want to lose my baba

or my auntie

It is not their time.

Sometimes I think this is all just one bad dream.

But i cant seem to wake up.

How am I going to comfort my family?

What am I going to say to my little sisters?

I cant imagine what it would be like without them.

Acoma will never be the same is they were to move on to a better place.

No more hurt. No more pain.

That is all I want for them.

I just dont know why god had to choose them.

I feel so helpless.

The ball is in gods court now.

All I can do is pray

and

Hope that God gives them a second chance at life.

First off HAPPY HALLOWEEN to everyone.

Today started out quite interesting for me.  It was in a way that i would not have expected.

I get to my Sociology class about 5 minutes till class starts and my professor tells the class that while she was making the slide list for today her computer shut down and she didnt save it. So instead of re-doing the the slide show she decieded that we will watch a movie. 

Naturally we are all excited to watch a movie on halloween....even if it wasnt a scary movie. lol.

It turns out that out of all the possible movies she could have shown us she decided she would show a documentary on PORNOGRAPHY because we are on the chapter that deals with sex and gender.

Even though the movie was on porn it was still pretty interesting.  Amazing how pron had become so much of a household name and has also become socially acceptable.

So my Halloween was started off rather interesting....i mean how many people can say they started off halloween by watching porn lol!!

I used to think everything happens for a reason, but now I really don't know.

A couple weeks ago in philosophy we read a author that said there is pain and suffering in the world because it's God's way of punishing us for something we've done.  Or as a way of disciplining us to make us into better people.

When we read it I agreed and was able to make the connection. Because though my pain and suffering I've always come out a better person in the end.  I also saw it in other people.

But now I'm not so sure as to where I stand in that argument because with the recent news that my grandpa Joe might have cancer, causes me to re-think my position.  He has done nothing wrong in his life and he doesn't deserve this.

He has done right by his kids, my grandma, and by his step kids(my mom, aunties, and uncle).  He is the nicest man you will ever meet.  He loves everyone who comes into his life whether they are family or not.

I can't see why God would do this to him.  Why is he punishing or trying to discipline him so late in his life.  Not that I'm saying he should have given him the cancer earlier, but why did he choose to do this to him now. 

He is all my grandma and my two little cousins have. 

I'm trying to stay strong and keep a positive mind, but it's so hard when one of your loved ones is in this kind of situation.  I just pray that everything will work out for the best and everything will be okay.

I used to think everything happens for a reason, but now I really don't know.

A couple weeks ago in philosophy we read a author that said there is pain and suffering in the world because it's God's way of punishing us for something we've done.  Or as a way of disciplining us to make us into better people.

When we read it I agreed and was able to make the connection. Because though my pain and suffering I've always come out a better person in the end.  I also saw it in other people.

But now I'm not so sure as to where I stand in that argument because with the recent news that my grandpa Joe might have cancer, causes me to re-think my position.  He has done nothing wrong in his life and he doesn't deserve this.

He has done right by his kids, my grandma, and by his step kids(my mom, aunties, and uncle).  He is the nicest man you will ever meet.  He loves everyone who comes into his life whether they are family or not.

I can't see why God would do this to him.  Why is he punishing or trying to discipline him so late in his life.  Not that I'm saying he should have given him the cancer earlier, but why did he choose to do this to him now. 

He is all my grandma and my two little cousins have. 

I'm trying to stay strong and keep a positive mind, but it's so hard when one of your loved ones is in this kind of situation.  I just pray that everything will work out for the best and everything will be okay.

My Little indian Boy

Before we left to India Myra tolds us that India has her own way of getting to you. With that said I knew that India would soon have her way with me but what I didn't expect was for her to have her way with me through a 9 year old boy.

At first I thought it was sending us to ghettos of Dehli, but it wasn't. Then I thought it was showing us the kids in the streets hustling for money, I was wrong. After, I thought it was seeing the kids in the slum school, but that wasn't it either.

After a while I started getting frustrated because I saw all these kids around me having their breakthroughs and realizations from seeing the same things I saw. It made me wonder if something was wrong with me, or if I just wasn't taking it all in, or tons of other stuff. I just couldn't seem to figure out what it was that was supposed to really break me down. So after I couple days of racking my brain , I finally decided to give up on trying to figure it all out and just let India do her job.

As the days passed I saw many wonderful things and many not so great things. Although they hit me pretty hard I knew it wasn't what India really had in store for me.

Then came the day that I was absolutely dreading....going to the slum. I knew right away that it was going to be bad because I still have a fresh image in my head of when I went to Mexico when i was lik 10 and saw people lining the streets just trying to get by and most of all a crystal clear image of a little girls face when I gave her $10.

As soon as our taxi jeeps pulled up to the slum there must have been at least 30 kids that came running. They were probly all between the ages of 3 and 15 years old. And as soon as you got out of the jeep you had kids running up to you asking your name, holding your hand, and asking a million and one questions. Just the sight of up lit up their faces. It was just so amazing to see.

So as we walked down into the slum more kids joined our group and followed us to the end of the slum to the tent. By the time we got there there were probly almost 80 kids in there and a couple parents. While we were in the tent our group each said a little something to the people in the slums thanking them for welcoming us in such a warm way and all that good stuff.

About half way through when some of our group was still talking and some of the little slum kids asking questions a little boy came and sat by me. Immidently holding my hand as he sat next to me. We both introduced ourselves and just had an instant connection with each other. I now feel bad because no matter how much I play this beginning conversation through my head I can not remember his name.

We just sat there talking about his family, his friends, and about how he was one of the 40 kids the monk took in to send them to school. He just had so much to say and as he talked I started to feel bad for him because here was this amazing 9 year old boy who in my eyes didnt deserve to be in the slums of India.

But that quickly changed when he asked me, "do you like living where you live? do you like living in the US?" I told his yes and that I liked where I loved a lot. Then I asked him if he liked living where he lived (in the slums) and instantly he said "yes i love it here" and that amazed me and all that came into my head was to say "well thats good" and he went on to tell me "yes I really like it here". When he said that I thought to myself How can he like it here when there is such a better life out there for him. I just couldnt get it.

Soon after he started pointin gout to me all his friends and even brought his little brother to come meet me. and as he took off running to find him he was just so happy for his little brother to meet me. When his and his little brother came back i noticed that he was jus as adorable as his big brother. So as I talked with his he saw my camera and i took their pictures.

After a while our group started handin out cookies to give to the kids. So of course I wanted to get my little boy some after we had made such a strong connection after not even 30 minutes. I got 2 and tryed to give them to him, but he would not accept. He finally did after I made a deal with him that I would keep one and he would take the other. I watched his sitting there eating the cookie and just watching the other kids go krazy trying to get as many as they could. Once he was done I tried to give him the other but he would not take it. I tried and tried and tried but still he would not take it. He told me he didnt want it and pointed out to all the other kids and said to give it to one of them instead. So I did as he said and gave it to a little girl who had not yet recieved a cookie.

Once all the cookies were given out everyone started to clear the tent to start going around to give out the rice we had bought earlier to give to the slum families. Me and the little boy sat there as everyone prepared to go out into the slum and as we watched my little boy turned to me and asked if he could sing me a song. i told him yes and he jus sat there looking at me, holding my hand and sang. I didnt know what he was saying but it jus was so freakin adorable. After he finished his song I told him that was great and he asked if he could sing me another. and as he sang me a second song I just couldnt help but notice how beautiful his voice was and how sweet this little boy was. I tanked him for singing to me and just him singing to me touched my heart and made me want to cry.

Then finally after about 5 minutes ourgroup was ready to go out and start giving the rice. As we walked he held my hand and still kept talking to me. He never left my side.

And somewhere along the way our group stopped to give some rice and he looked up at me and said " your good" and was tapping his hand on his heart. I said thank you and told him he was too and the next thing that came out of his mouth was something that I know will stick with me for the rest of my life. My little 9 year old boy look me straight in the eyes and asked " are you god?" When i heard those word I just wanted to start crying. It jus amazed me that after only knowing him for a little over 45 minutes this boy saw something in me that made him think I was god. I had to tell him no that I wasnt god but even when i said that he smiled so big and shook his head that he understood.

The whole rest of the time we were there I was fighting back tears. I just wanted to cry so much after he asked me that but i didnt because I didn't want him to see my tears.

By the time we got to the beginning of the slum there was no more rice so his family didnt get none. I apoligized but he didnt mind that his family didnt recieve any. He was just happy to see that his friends and their families got some. And it was then that i really saw how wise this child was beyond his years. He was not the least bit selfish. He was a kid that thought of everyone before himself. I could see that he would still be happy even if it ment that he got nothing. His friends and other families happiness is what brought him happiness.

Before we left the slum the kids were taking kids from our group to their houses and so my little boy wanted me to meet his family. he took me to his house that was made out of tarps, wood, card board, tin and just whatever else would sheild them from the rain and weather. He introduced me to his mother, who was cooking and to his grandmother who was sitting on the bed sewing. While we were sitting there I could just feel the loving energy in their little home.

After being with his family for abot 10 minutes we got word that it was time for us to leave. The little boy then grabbed my hand and walked with us out of the slum. As we were walking out I started to feel bad that I would have to leave him and I kept getting the feeling that I wanted to take him home with me. But I knew I couldnt.

Once we got to our jeeps we were still waitin on some of the group so me and him sat on a wall. I knew that i never woud forget him but I wanted to give him something to remember me by. So I took off mmy bracelet and tied it around his wrist. He kept saying that i didn't have to but I told him i wanted to give it to him. So he let me.

I'm not sure how long we sat there but the whole time he was trying to say thank you but he couldnt put it into words. When it was finally time to leave I must have given him a million hugs and told him that he would always be in my heart. I stillw anted to cry so much and it looked like he did too. He just kept looking down and the bracelet and playing with it. And I told him he would have something to remember me by. I pointed to the bracelet and to his heart. I gave him one last hug and ran across the street to get into the jeep.

When I got in I saw him running around trying to find me in the jeep and once he did he stood there waiving to me and we both kept waiving until we could no longer see each other.

The second I lost him in the distance I broke down crying. I just couldnt hold it back no more. I just so much wanted to stop the jeep and run back to him. But I knew I couldnt. I just had this overwelming feeling of guilt for leaving him there, but then i remembered back at the tent when he told me He loved where he lived and as soon as I remembered that The guilt left because I realized that no matter not bad the slum was he was happy with what he had. He made the best of it.

The whole rest of the day I was crying on and off. I just could seem to get this little boy out of my head. He was all I thought about for the days to come. And it wasnt until a couple days later that I finally realized something about myself and my life.

I realized how much I consume. I noticed how I tried to fulfill my happiness by buying material things. I noticed how many things that I have that I really dont need in my life. Sure they were nice to have but were they really serving a purpose in my life? No, they were just an ipod sittin on the floor, a stereo on the shelf, a camera in my bag, a cell phone in my pocket, and a lap top sitting on the table. These things had no real meaning to my survival as a human being. All I really need is water to drink, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head.

All I need to live and everyone else for that matter just needs the basic necessities. Your not going to die if you dont get that new car or that new ipod, all it is is just another piece of furniture in your life.

And to this day it just amazes me so much how a 9 year old boy was able to change my life.

You can either love India or hate India.  I did not fully love India and I did not fully hate India.  I got the best of both worlds.

During my 3 long weeks in India I realized a lot about my life.

I realized how good I have it here at home.  I used to think that the way I lived wasnt good enough.  I felt that I needed more than what I had to be happy.  That I needed more materialistic things.  But after seeing how people in India live made me realize how good I really do have it.

I am privilaged enough to b able to have a roof over my head and a meal to eat every day.  I am privilaged enough to go to a school that is fully built and not jus an abandoned building.  I am privilaged enough to have a warm shower everyday and clean clothes to wear.

Its sad to think about how much I took these simple things for granted.  And it makes me even more sad knowing that the money Ive put toward things I have that I really dont need could have gone to a family in need. How it could have fed and housed them for almost a year.

In some ways I feel guilty for being so materialistic for the past 18 years of my life.  I noticed how much I consume.  I realized that I wanted things that I dont need. And perhaps most importantly I now know that even without these things I can survive. I know that the iPod I have in my bag, the cell phone in my pocket, the lap top on the table, the camera on the desk, and the computer I am using now is not something I need to make it to tomarrow, to next week, to mext month,.....to next year.

All I really need is food in my stomach, water to drink, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head to keep on going.

Its amazing to see how 3 weeks in a "developing country" gave me a whole new perspective on life.

I now know that the times in India that I hated the most were the times when i grew more as a person and let go of all the bullshit in life and started to respect the more simpler things in life.

India is one of the most incrediable places i have ever been. coming into this trip there was a lot of miscommunication concerning things.  we were under the impression that we could only eat certian things, wouldn't b able to wash out hair every day and would be carrying our bags everywhere we go. totally not true. we can eat jus about everything we can back home, take a shower everyday, and we only carry a small day pack around instead of our big one. things are going go krazy here and are very differnet than what i am used to. also the schedule is whats throwing me off.

the schedule is because in being apart of several youth groups i have always had orginazation and things that were setup to b a sure thing and times and places whrere we were going to be. i had a full day planned with no worries. but here evreything is so open. i mean we do hav a schedule but its so general. theres no set times, so schedule, going places the "leaders" have never been, and only occupied till about 4-5 till we have to entertain ourselves for the rest of the night.

this is all jus so foreign to me because i am so used to taking trips with lee. My parents knew where i was gonna b at what times, what we would b doing, and knew that everything was planned out and safe. but this time my itinary was jus so generalized. it jus gave the days we were gonna b where n a couple tings we would b doing bu t no nothing. its so weird and i feel the lack of stubility and orginazation that im used to. and it sux. i wish it was lik another trip with lee.

and another thing that me brandi and moe hav come to c is the segregation within the group. most of the ppl are white except for me brandi josh moe n neesha but neesha is jus another white girl in our eyes. i know that sounds mean but it is true. we notice a lot. lik for example the other da moe got a bad spider bite on her arm and our "leaders" said it was jus a scratch. when it lookd nothing lik it. her arm was killin her but they paid no attention. but all it took was one white girl, nova who is a very sweet n loving girl, to throw up and every freaked out n went bac to the hotel for her. it was when we got bac to the hotel that they finally turned attention to moe after she broke down crying. n byt the way moe is the only black girl in the group. it jus sucked to c that among many other things and how much there still is that segregation within this group that is supposed to b about leadership and being equal with everyone. it jus defeated the purpose of the program.

things are so weird. and also comin into the program it seemed lik it would go by so fast n would b so much fun. n dont get me wrong it is fun but  in small lil blurbs. and time is going by soooo sloowww!! this first week felt lik a month. i only hope that these next 2 weeks will go by faster and will b much more fun than this first week.

its still so krazy to think that i am in india!! everything is so weird n different here. total opposite of what im used to bac home. the smells are terrible, the driving is insane, the pollution is nasty, n the culture is beautiful! lol! it sux to c people begging and in the slums but at the same time im happy that i  am seeing all this. it jus give me a whole new perspective on life. I look at all these people and realize how good i have it. I feel so embarassed with how much i have and ashamed that i want things and hav things that i dont really need. its krazy how much of a dfferent look i hav on life after only being here a week. Im sure i will go home a changed person n i hope that i can help everyone see how good we all have it.

This summer I have been chosen to go to India for 3 weeks with a program called SGLA (Sustainable Global Leadership Alliance) along with 3 other youth from my community of Laguna.

The whole mission of this program of this program is it delivers a cutting-edge leadership program for young adults, empowering them to be effective catalysts for positive change. It trains young leaders to navigate interrelated global, social, economic and environmental realities. The program emphasizes the personal and interpersonal development essential to being effective leaders, and prompt participants to explore and expand their leadership skills through implementation of sustainability projects in their communities.

Starting this weekend all participants in the program will start attending weekend workshops to prepare us for our trip. These workshops will be going from 8am-9pm friday thru sunday.

I know these workshops will be alot but i know that in the long run during the trip they will really help out.

When the time comes for my trip I will be on a plane for 20 hours! It seems long but its better than the 32 hours it used to take for the past trips with the SGLA program.

During our stay in india we will be going to 4 different places and will most inportantly be spending time in some of the small villages, planting trees, and staying with a Monk who sponsors 20 village kids to send them to school.

Although i am scared to go i am excited to go. excited to get a whole new perspective on life and will ultimatly come home with a plan to somehow improve my community.

I will have 8 weeks after the trip to impliment the project. It seems like a long time but when doing something like this those 8 weeks will go pass in the blink of an eye.

I know that no matter how much this experience is scaring me right now I know that I will gain so much in the long run!